My Things...

I realize I haven't done much talking about my girls here for a while now. So here is an update.


Thing 1... Audrey.

Audrey will be 4 in a few weeks. She is beautiful, smart, can be a handful, and likes to tell jokes. (not that she understands jokes, and sometimes just says crazy nonsensical stuff) She went to a preschool that my friend had decided to do for me and another friend. She learned how to write her name and figure out how to spell some small words like cat, dog, dan, dad, and some other ones like that. She is also trying to spell other words. She asks me how to spell them and I tell her to sound it out. She does! It is fun to see how much she is growing and learning all the time.

At other times she drives me crazy by doing exactly what her younger sister does. Mostly she does it just to get the same attention that Ellie gets. So I need to work on giving her as much attention and such for the things she does that are age appropriate I suppose. But, we have been talking to her about being a big girl versus being a baby. She wants to be the big girl and not treated like a baby. So I have to remind her about this fairly often.

Audrey's latest obsession is My Little Pony's. She loves them and loves to tell me how many more she wants. But hey at least she is done with her obsession over pretending to be a frog (The Princess and the Frog got her on that one). And for the most part she is done pretending to be a dog. Pound puppies the cartoon, there is a new version out for kids now, same with My Little Pony's. I found a channel that has these show and more... I was soooo excited to have found them! It takes me back to when I was little and loved these same shows! *They also play Fraggle Rock and Strawberry Shortcake!

However, she absolutely loves her sister. She loves that she now has someone to play with. Even though they do fight fairly frequently. She hates it when I separate them, such as when they fight too much. I am sooo thankful that they love each other so much. It makes me happy to see them that way.

Audrey just recently started primary. She is now a Sunbeam. And with her 3rd week in primary she gave her first talk. Well I suppose I gave her first talk for the most part. But by the end she finally did actually say a few words into the microphone. She loves primary, even though she didn't want to give up nursery.

Thing 2... Eleanor

She is almost 19 months now. She just started nursery. She loves it. And had no problems with me leaving her there. It did help, I think, that the nursery leaders let her join in when I was giving lessons in Relief Society. But I think she likes having the freedom to just play with other kids and not having me there to try and keep her quiet and in one place. (i.e. when I had to take her to class with me... soooo glad I don't have to take her to class with me anymore)

She is a very independent, (for the most part), kid. She is also very caring and kind. She likes to try and help others. She loves to play mommy and take care of her baby dolls. She will try to tuck daddy into bed. And will tell you how to do things. (She does a lot of talking but mostly you get what she means by reading her hand gestures) She will try to dress you.

Ellie also loves accessories. She likes to know that she is wearing something cute. And has a fairly developed sense of style for a 19 month old. She has her favorite things to wear of course. She will wear headbands and bows and such with out any fight. And she longs to have long hair like her sister. Unfortunately for her she got my hair, as in she doesn't have much right now, but it is starting to fill in, we can almost put some little clips in it now.

It is amazing, wonderful, and so much more for me to watch these 2 little girls of mine grow. Whenever I put new clothes on them it makes me sooo happy, but then a little sad, to see how much more grown up these clothes make them look. They are both such big, beautiful girls. And I love them sooo much even if they drive me a little crazy. I just have to stop and remember how much I do REALLY love them.

Thanks for letting me have this mommy moment. :)

Panic

I don't like having panic attacks... I suppose most people don't like having them. But still.

I was having a great morning, playing with the girls while trying to clean up. Just laughing and having fun.

Then when I walked through the basement to feed the cats, I smelled what I think was Natural gas. Oye....

With all the things already going on in my house; finding mold growing in the master bath, finding out that my shelf that holds a lot of glass dishes was barely holding things up. I didn't need to have a gas leak in my house.

Anyway, that sent up my hackles and I walked around a bit to see if I could smell more. I didn't, but now it is there lingering in the back of my mind.

Anxiety is my enemy. It doesn't make me feel good. And it makes me do things that I regret.

So this is it. I am going to beat you anxiety and find ways to soothe my soul when ever I feel you start to creep back in. I have enough to worry about without you making things all that much worse. I can't handle the things I need to when you are around. So hear this, I will not let you stay in my head.

STICU *Warning this post will be a bit graphic not for the faint of heart*

Alright it probably isn't that graphic... I don't think I can accurately describe everything here... So it is only a tiny bit graphic and hard to read for me and a few others who actually saw him. As it will bring back the memories.

Okay, so here is where things are a little fuzzy for me. I am not sure in what order things actually happened. I am pretty sure I was the first to see Stu after the operation. But not 100% sure. I may have been second or something. And I don't really remember what happened between talking to the doctor and waiting to see Stu. I seem to remember that it took longer than I would have liked. And we couldn't take any kids in to see him. So Ellie had to stay out with someone in that little "dirty" waiting room. And of course Audrey couldn't go in either.

I say dirty because it wasn't very inviting. But they don't want people to hang out much, I suppose. There were lots of people there. With many, many stories and reasons for being there.

We couldn't have more than 2 people in the room with Stu at a time. And there were many other rules too.

The doctors had done their best to try and tell me what may or may not be seen when Stu came out of the surgery. There was a chance that he would have a breathing tube in. Lucky for me it was not in. He was breathing fine on his own. But there were many, many other things attached to him. And he was very out of things when I first saw him. I don't even know if he opened his eyes when I first saw him. He had to have his arms strapped down to keep him from pulling on any of the wires, or tubes and such.

He had a lot of wires coming out of him. They had to monitor his heart and all sorts of other things like that. It was quite scary to see him like that.

He had an itchy nose and was wanting to scratch it. So I scratched it for him. I just wanted to hold him but you really weren't supposed to do much of anything like that. So mostly I held his hand, and prayed.

He talked a little bit. But it didn't seem like him. He said things about a train, and other odd things. I felt like it wasn't him talking. But I don't know what it actually was. He sounded scared. So I tried to soothe him. But mostly I just sat and listened and prayed.

We spent time going in and out and giving each other breaks. At one point my Mom and Dad came and brought Audrey to see me. We chatted a little. My Bro in law who was watching Ellie out in the waiting room had to come in and get me at one point to go out and nurse Ellie. He left Ellie with a lady who was there waiting for her brother or sister who was in the STICU. And that lady actually got Ellie to take a binky. Which was something we had been trying to get her to take for 2 months. Apparently she just needed someone else to do it. And I like to hope that Ellie helped that lady get just a little peace during her time of trials. But I will be forever grateful that she did that for us.

At some point during the day I went home and took a bath and a nap. It was the first rest I had gotten in about 2 days.

My Mom in law and I and whoever was with Stu at the time were in constant communication practically. There were a few times though that I was the only person in the room with Stu. I seem to recall that those were awful lonely times.

At some point a nurse came in to take an x-ray of Stu's abdomen. I don't recall why. But she had a portable x-ray machine. And just sort of jammed the board under his back, it made me kind of angry to see how she did that. I mean for heaven's sake he has an incision across his whole stomach. But she finally got it and then left and I could be back at my husband's side.

I think Stu was only in the STICU until Monday afternoon. But the time that he was in there feels like it lasted forever. We talked a lot to other people there. And heard many, many stories. And ours was the happiest of all of them, it seemed. Even though things were scary for us. He was doing well, and progressing fast. So we felt as though we didn't really seem to fit there. As I suppose now thinking about it, I don't think anyone really feels like they fit there, except maybe the nurses. :)

No one could stay the night with Stu so I went home. I don't recall if my Mom in law stayed. I think she probably did. By Sunday evening I believe Stu had started to try and stand up, and by Monday morning Stu had walked a lap around the STICU. That is when the doctors and nurses decided it was time to move Stu up to his regular room on the transplant floor. Floor 10.

By that night he was in his own room and he had been unattached to one of the IVs and he had received his PICC line in his arm. Which is a really neat IV that they don't have to change every day or every other day. And they could draw his blood from it so he had fewer pokes every few hours. The PICC line was pretty neat to watch them put in. They did that down in the STICU, but they have to guide it in with an ultrasound machine and it has to be kept as clean as possible because it went I believe close to the heart.

And that began the count down of taking out his attachments.

But this is where I will end today.

Stu's liver... continued from forever ago...

I hope I can get this right... since it has now been almost a year and a half from this time.

My Mom came home. We told her what was going on, she hugged us and agreed to watching the kids for us. And we drove to the hospital. We don't live far from the hospital, just about 2 miles maybe. But Stu's parents were there waiting for us in the ER waiting area. Because that is where you go to check in after regular office hours. Stu checked in and we were ushered upstairs to the 10th floor where Stu would wait and get ready for everything.

While we were driving there Stu and I discussed things and had decided that we were probably a backup recipient and that someone else might get the liver and we would probably be sent home. As this is what we were told to expect from everyone in the liver support group. So we went in feeling like things weren't probably going to happen.

When we got there we met a really nice nurse who took us to our room. I don't remember her name, but I think I would remember her face. As we did see her a few more times after that. She kept us up to date and was very friendly. We asked her what number we were, and she told us that we were the one and only waiting for this liver. She also let us know where the potential liver was coming from. Which I don't believe she is supposed to let us know.

But anyway, she was very open about what hospital the donor was at. But that was all, she didn't know anything else, which is perfectly good. And she would be being prepping us as if things were going to happen. They would need to run a few tests on him to make sure that he was healthy enough to receive it. And we would have to wait for the proper tests to be run on the liver to make sure that it was healthy enough to be received.

We got to the hospital at somewhere near 9:30, and into our room by about 10 pm. We contacted all the family we could think of to tell them what was going on. And because Stu was at the theatre when he got the call, I was trying to keep everyone there updated as to what was going on as well. We waited in the little room for a few hours. Stu's Aunt and Uncle came over to help us wait, both of his brothers came over as well. Stu's dad, a family friend, and Stu's Uncle gave Stu a blessing. At around 11 or so the nurse came in to tell us that the liver was a match and all was looking more like he was going to be having surgery in a few hours.

We talked to one of the doctor's on call about what was going to be happening in the surgery. What to expect and so on and then Stu had to sign some papers. And they started the preparations to get him going.

Between Midnight and 1 am they wheeled Stu to the elevator. We walked along until they brought us to the surgical waiting room. Where I said my final goodbye to my sweetheart. It was nearly 1am when they pushed his bed away from me down the hall to the surgical room.

The waiting room was empty when we got there. And my brother in laws had gone home. But Stu's Mom and Dad stayed with me through the night. They tried to get some sleep on those uncomfortable chairs. I had vowed not to sleep.

I had a book with me that I was reading and a mountain dew by my side. I was waiting for a phone call. I remember getting a phone call half way through each previous surgery. That needed to happen. I had also asked the nurse if they would let me know when they actually started the surgery. He said they would. And so I waited. And waited. And read.

Part of the way through the night another couple of men came and sat around the corner from us. Their, wife and mom, I believe was in surgery and they were quite worried. But I didn't talk to them. I just overheard, as I am sure they over heard much of what we said. My Mother in law would wake up and chat with me every once in a while. But mostly we were just a bunch of nervous people. See, even when they take them into the operating room they can change their minds and still send them home. So I wasn't still for sure that he was going to have the surgery yet.

The sun came up. I still hadn't heard anything. And by now was a mess... I had finished my book after a few hours. And was at this point trying not to pace... And my sweet mother in law decided we were done waiting for a call. And she decided to call them on their little white phone. And we found out that yes he had been in surgery for a few hours now and that they were sorry but thought that we needed our sleep and didn't want to disturb us.

I could have screamed... what sleep!? Do they really think I could sleep at a time like this!!!

But anyways... my Mom came and brought my sweet 2 month old Ellie to me to nurse a bit. I talked to a few more people to let them know what was going on. And few hours later the doctor came out to talk to us.

Dr. Alonzo. She is a beautiful woman, who was very compassionate. Sat down and talked to us. First to me and then to Stu's Mom and Grandma. She answered a few questions and told us how the surgery went. Things progressed very well... for what should have been an at least 6 hour surgery, Stu's only lasted for 5 total hours. Because he is so young and in such relatively great health things went smoothly. And we should be directed to him in a little while. He was in recovery but we wouldn't be able to see him until he was in the STICU (Shock Trauma ICU). And they would get us when we could see him, finally.

It was Sunday morning. My world had been flipped upside down. And it all felt soo surreal. I had many more phone calls to people we knew and that would want to know. There were several texts sent out and received. Stu made it through the surgery. And then we waited to be told where he was and how we could go see him.

This is were I will stop for now.

Just a little story that happened to me today

To preface this, I want to remember this lesson I learned from my daughter. Yesterday I went out with my mom, my girls, and my nephew. We went to a pediatric dentist visit for my nephew. I went to check out the dentist because this is were my dentist suggested I take my daughter, for her own checkups. I really like the place, but that is beside the point of my story. They had a little machine that gave out little toys for tokens or quarters. And Audrey just had to have some of those toys. So we gave in and bought a few. Amongst these toys were a miniature dinosaur and a yellow squishy wiggly guy. Before we even made it out of the parking lot Audrey was quite upset that she may have lost this dinosaur. And we were going to have to turn the car inside out in order to find it. Lucky for me, it was still just in her lap under a fold of clothing.

Cut to this afternoon.

Audrey comes to me, she is in tears and can barely tell me what is wrong. Her squishy wiggly guy has lost a leg. And there is no consoling her. He must be fixed! I try to explain to her that it is okay. She has plenty of other toys that she can play with. She won't even remember him. (Okay I know that isn't true... she remembers even the one little pink puppy that she lost at the grocery store months ago. But a mom can hope that she won't remember, right)

She asks if we can tape his leg back to him. I say no that won't work. Can we glue him. No I don't think that will work either. Will tape and glue work. No, hun. Well daddy can fix him, right? No,hun I don't think daddy will be able to fix him.

Then, Jesus can fix him.

How do I tell an almost 4 year old that it isn't that easy. When she really believes that it is. I try to explain to her that if Jesus fixes him we won't be able to play with him any more. But that doesn't sit well with her. No he will come back to me and we can play. I say yes Jesus can fix him. And we talk a little more about this and finally I just let her go and say I will have daddy take a look at him when he gets home.

She leaves contented. But I am left with a lot of different things going through my head. And after a little while of thinking about this conversation with my child. And having several different reactions to it. I had a feeling of calm pass through me and a thought.

Yes he was just one 25 cent toy among the multitude of toys my children have. But he was one that my daughter cares about, and to her it didn't matter that he was only worth 25 cents. And Jesus cares about everyone no matter how much "worth" they have.

And you know what my daughter had the faith, right then, that he could fix this and he would. And yes I believe that he would probably have fixed that toy right then, because my daughter knew that he would. This was a beautiful testimony that my daughter shared with me, and I never want her to lose it. Why would I ever want to take that away from her?

I am so glad that I can learn these things from my girls.

Needless to say, I am really going to try and fix that 25 cent toy now.